I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
