just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
