I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
