I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize