I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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