Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
