I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
