Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
