I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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