$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
