I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
