I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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