Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
