Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
