I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
either way he was missing a nipple.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
