After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize