there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
