I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
