dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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