I smell stomach acid.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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