I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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