i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
