so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
