Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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