Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
