Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
