walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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