i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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