My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
