Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
