I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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