I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
