I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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