i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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