When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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