she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
