I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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