I'd wear matching sweaters with you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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