I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
