brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
