All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
