I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
