What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
