jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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