there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize