Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
