Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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