Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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