I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
