I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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