Cold hands, warm shart.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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