Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
