they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My penis needs a shock collar
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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