I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
