Screwed.edu
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
