You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
