don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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