I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
