Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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