apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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