did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
