your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize