I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize