can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize