I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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