i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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