Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
