Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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