just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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